tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-42721696490785263522023-11-16T08:06:27.219-08:00Ooh I Say!This is the place for smutty and risque jokes, but never blasphemy or racism. If you are easily offended by jokes about menopausal women, bums, farts and willies, then this blog may not be for you!Ooh I Say!http://www.blogger.com/profile/04997023683714176952noreply@blogger.comBlogger20125truetag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4272169649078526352.post-90701364025127818902009-07-29T08:52:00.000-07:002009-07-29T08:55:52.835-07:00Quote Of The Day<div align="center"><span style="color:#ffffff;">.</span></div><div align="center"><span style="color:#ffffff;">.</span></div><div align="center"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj-3KKKIqxKqnOsYTi6rQpCdyA5JbHbJnBMWfRl19L3SMDn-FaOauzS_Lx8GNg8W72ULvd17BBdctP1RA3kVKPPF0Rg1JfHlOOYKyD88togED-H6qFBfFsjsvc39I6Bxno_mwUsfBYvEpg/s1600-h/quote.jpg"><img style="TEXT-ALIGN: center; MARGIN: 0px auto 10px; WIDTH: 400px; DISPLAY: block; HEIGHT: 265px; CURSOR: hand" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5363911042414813474" border="0" alt="" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj-3KKKIqxKqnOsYTi6rQpCdyA5JbHbJnBMWfRl19L3SMDn-FaOauzS_Lx8GNg8W72ULvd17BBdctP1RA3kVKPPF0Rg1JfHlOOYKyD88togED-H6qFBfFsjsvc39I6Bxno_mwUsfBYvEpg/s400/quote.jpg" /></a><span style="color:#ffffff;"> .</span></div><div align="center"><span style="color:#ffffff;">.</span><span style="font-family:trebuchet ms;">"Whatever you give a woman, she will make greater. </span></div><div align="center"><span style="font-family:trebuchet ms;">If you give her sperm, she'll give you a baby.<br />If you give her a house, she'll give you a home. </span></div><div align="center"><span style="font-family:trebuchet ms;">If you give her groceries, she'll give you a meal.<br />If you give her a smile, she'll give you her heart. </span></div><div align="center"><span style="font-family:trebuchet ms;">She multiplies and enlarges what is given to her.<br /></span></div><div align="center"><span style="font-family:trebuchet ms;">So, if you give her any crap, be ready to receive a ton of shit." </span></div><div align="center"><span style="font-family:Trebuchet MS;color:#ffffff;">.</span></div><div align="center"><span style="font-family:Trebuchet MS;color:#ffffff;">.</span></div>Ooh I Say!http://www.blogger.com/profile/04997023683714176952noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4272169649078526352.post-73332254328558834782009-07-05T03:45:00.000-07:002009-07-05T03:46:31.971-07:00The Baa Studs<div align="center"><span style="font-family:verdana;">Lots of fun with sheep ...</span></div><span style="font-family:verdana;color:#ffffff;">.</span><br /><span style="font-family:verdana;color:#ffffff;">.</span><br /><div align="center"><embed height="412" name="flashObj" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" pluginspage="http://www.macromedia.com/shockwave/download/index.cgi?P1_Prod_Version=" width="486" src="http://c.brightcove.com/services/viewer/federated_f8/1137883380" swliveconnect="true" seamlesstabbing="false" base="http://admin.brightcove.com" flashvars="videoId=17075685001&playerId=1137883380&viewerSecureGatewayURL=https://console.brightcove.com/services/amfgateway&servicesURL=http://services.brightcove.com/services&cdnURL=http://admin.brightcove.com&domain=embed&autoStart=false&" bgcolor="#FFFFFF"></embed></div>Ooh I Say!http://www.blogger.com/profile/04997023683714176952noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4272169649078526352.post-90314977516534767962009-06-05T06:23:00.000-07:002009-06-05T06:27:25.215-07:00Tomato Garden<span style="color:#ffffff;">.</span><br /><br /><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhLrOuxwrcR1ZXMcRbjQWJMZkkQAhDOR0wFEQyQFs44ICV3At2Jde8z5t-8NuPQQnZs3EfixOnUVov62YdOa44IpUDTuZqVR5HPQBwzr3TQixgiaO02n_qrvU5-ubQI0eo_otnbroaH47w/s1600-h/tomato.bmp"><img id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5343834338504430434" style="DISPLAY: block; MARGIN: 0px auto 10px; WIDTH: 400px; CURSOR: hand; HEIGHT: 300px; TEXT-ALIGN: center" alt="" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhLrOuxwrcR1ZXMcRbjQWJMZkkQAhDOR0wFEQyQFs44ICV3At2Jde8z5t-8NuPQQnZs3EfixOnUVov62YdOa44IpUDTuZqVR5HPQBwzr3TQixgiaO02n_qrvU5-ubQI0eo_otnbroaH47w/s400/tomato.bmp" border="0" /></a><br /><div><span style="font-family:verdana;">An old Italian lived alone in New Jersey. </span></div><br /><div><span style="font-family:verdana;">He wanted to plant his annual tomato garden, but it was very difficult work, as the ground was hard.His only son, Vincent, who used to help him, was in prison. </span></div><br /><div><span style="font-family:verdana;">The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament:</span></div><br /><br /><span style="color:#ffffff;">.<br /></span><div><span style="font-family:verdana;"><em>Dear Vincent,</em></span></div><br /><div><span style="font-family:verdana;"><em>I am feeling pretty sad, because it looks like I won't be able to plant my tomato garden this year. I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. </em></span></div><br /><div><span style="font-family:verdana;"><em>I know if you were here my troubles would be over..? </em></span></div><br /><div><span style="font-family:verdana;"><em>I know you would be happy to dig the plot for me, like in the old days.</em></span></div><br /><div><span style="font-family:verdana;"><em>Love, Papa</em></span></div><br /><br /><br /><br /><span style="font-family:verdana;">A few days later he received a letter from his son:</span><br /><br /><br /><span style="font-family:verdana;color:#ffffff;"><em>.</em></span><br /><span style="font-family:verdana;"><em>Dear Pop,</em></span><br /><br /><br /><span style="font-family:verdana;"><em>Don't dig up that garden. </em></span><br /><br /><br /><span style="font-family:verdana;"><em>That's where the bodies are buried.</em></span><br /><br /><br /><span style="font-family:verdana;"><em>Love, Vinnie</em></span><br /><br /><br /><span style="font-family:verdana;color:#ffffff;">.</span><br /><br /><br /><span style="font-family:verdana;">At 4 a.m. the next morning, FBI agents and local police arrived and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies. </span><br /><br /><br /><span style="font-family:verdana;color:#ffffff;">.</span><br /><br /><br /><span style="font-family:verdana;">They apologised to the old man and left.</span><br /><br /><br /><span style="font-family:verdana;color:#ffffff;">.</span><br /><br /><br /><span style="font-family:verdana;">That same day the old man received another letter from his son.</span><br /><br /><br /><span style="font-family:verdana;color:#ffffff;">.</span><br /><br /><br /><span style="font-family:verdana;"><em>Dear Pop,</em></span><br /><br /><br /><span style="font-family:verdana;"><em>Go ahead and plant the tomatoes now. </em></span><br /><br /><br /><span style="font-family:verdana;"><em>That's the best I could do under the circumstances.<br />Love you, Vinnie</em></span><br /><br /><br /><span style="font-family:verdana;color:#ffffff;">.</span>Ooh I Say!http://www.blogger.com/profile/04997023683714176952noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4272169649078526352.post-36069516829655876052009-05-20T10:11:00.000-07:002009-05-20T10:42:26.902-07:00How To Fail A Breath Test<p align="center"><span style="color:#ffffff;">.</span></p><p align="center"><span style="color:#ffffff;">.</span></p><p align="center"><iframe allowfullscreen='allowfullscreen' webkitallowfullscreen='webkitallowfullscreen' mozallowfullscreen='mozallowfullscreen' width='320' height='266' src='https://www.blogger.com/video.g?token=AD6v5dxIwXxTAx49gUUHewmB4ke9gAqblSRUJzZ3cqn_ZvDjLeoC8g-qZlmYOBgHorUVxMiO1JHzUUznVoZ9N8723Q' class='b-hbp-video b-uploaded' frameborder='0'></iframe></p><p align="center"><span style="color:#ffffff;">.</span></p><p align="center"><span style="color:#ffffff;">.</span></p>Ooh I Say!http://www.blogger.com/profile/04997023683714176952noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4272169649078526352.post-64180325378279278282009-05-13T14:25:00.000-07:002009-05-13T14:26:45.248-07:00Never Argue With A Woman<span style="font-family:verdana;color:#ffffff;">.</span><br /><span style="font-family:verdana;">One morning, the husband returns the boat to their lakesidecottage after several hours of fishing and decides to take a nap.</span><br /><span style="font-family:verdana;">Although not familiar with the lake, the wife decides to take the boat out. </span><br /><span style="font-family:verdana;">She motors out a short distance, anchors, puts her feet up, and begins to read her book. </span><br /><span style="font-family:verdana;">The peace and solitude are magnificent.</span><br /><span style="font-family:verdana;">Along comes a Fish and Game Warden in his boat. </span><br /><span style="font-family:verdana;">He pulls up alongside the woman and says, 'Good morning, Ma'am. What are you doing?'<br />'Reading a book,' she replies, (thinking, 'Isn't that obvious?')<br />'You're in a Restricted Fishing Area,' he informs her.</span><br /><span style="font-family:verdana;">'I'm sorry, officer, but I'm not fishing. I'm reading.'</span><br /><span style="font-family:verdana;">'Yes, but I see you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment. I'll have to take you in and write you up.'<br />'If you do that, I'll have to charge you with sexual assault,' says the woman.<br />'But I haven't even touched you,' says the Game Warden.<br />'That's true, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment.'<br />'Have a nice day ma'am,' and he left.<br /><span style="color:#ffffff;">.</span><br />MORAL: Never argue with a woman who reads. It's likely she can also think.</span><br /><span style="font-family:verdana;color:#ffffff;">.</span>Ooh I Say!http://www.blogger.com/profile/04997023683714176952noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4272169649078526352.post-75320019887646605312009-05-13T14:22:00.000-07:002009-05-13T14:24:02.640-07:00Lipstick In School<span style="font-family:trebuchet ms;color:#ffffff;">.</span><br /><span style="font-family:trebuchet ms;">According to a news report, a certain private school in Washington was recently faced with a unique problem. </span><br /><span style="font-family:trebuchet ms;">A number of 12-year-old girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom. </span><br /><span style="font-family:trebuchet ms;">That was fine, but after they put on their lip stick, they would press their lips to the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints.</span><br /><span style="font-family:trebuchet ms;">Every night the maintenance man would remove them, and the next day the girls would put them back.</span><br /><span style="font-family:trebuchet ms;">Finally the principal decided that something had to be done. </span><br /><span style="font-family:trebuchet ms;">She called all the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the maintenance man.</span><br /><span style="font-family:trebuchet ms;">She explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the custodian who had to clean the mirrors every night (you can just imagine the yawns from the little princesses).</span><br /><span style="font-family:trebuchet ms;">To demonstrate how difficult it had been to clean the mirrors, she asked the maintenance man to show the girls how much effort was required.</span><br /><span style="font-family:trebuchet ms;">He took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it in the toilet, and cleaned the mirror with it. </span><br /><span style="font-family:trebuchet ms;">Since then, there have been no lip prints on the mirror.</span><br /><span style="font-family:trebuchet ms;color:#ffffff;">.</span><br /><span style="font-family:trebuchet ms;">There are teachers ... and then there are educators</span><br /><span style="font-family:trebuchet ms;color:#ffffff;">.</span>Ooh I Say!http://www.blogger.com/profile/04997023683714176952noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4272169649078526352.post-51090254584749648922009-05-13T14:19:00.001-07:002009-05-13T14:21:34.097-07:00Mobile Phone Danger<div><span style="font-family:verdana;color:#ffffff;">.</span></div><div><span style="font-family:verdana;color:#000000;">A new study has revealed that flip phones can cause very serious side effects to the reproductive development of young children.</span></div><div><span style="font-family:verdana;color:#ffffff;">.</span></div><div><span style="font-family:verdana;color:#000000;">Keep all flip phones out of the reach of children.</span></div><div><span style="font-family:verdana;color:#ffffff;">.</span></div><div><span style="font-family:verdana;color:#000000;">Please pass this safety warning on to everyone on your email list.</span></div><div><span style="font-family:verdana;color:#ffffff;">.</span></div><div><span style="font-family:verdana;color:#000000;">If it prevents even one injury to an innocent child, it will have been worth it.</span></div><div><span style="font-family:verdana;color:#ffffff;">.</span></div><div><span style="font-family:verdana;color:#000000;">Do it for the sake of the children.</span></div><div><span style="font-family:verdana;color:#ffffff;">.</span></div><div><span style="font-family:verdana;color:#000000;">If you doubt the importance of this warning, please scroll down...</span></div><div><span style="font-family:verdana;color:#ffffff;">.</span></div><div><span style="font-family:verdana;color:#ffffff;">.</span></div><div><span style="font-family:verdana;color:#ffffff;">.</span></div><div><span style="font-family:verdana;color:#ffffff;">.</span></div><div><span style="font-family:verdana;color:#ffffff;">.</span></div><div><span style="font-family:verdana;color:#ffffff;">.</span></div><div><span style="font-family:verdana;color:#ffffff;">.</span></div><div><span style="font-family:verdana;color:#ffffff;">.</span></div><div><span style="font-family:verdana;color:#ffffff;">.</span></div><div><span style="font-family:verdana;color:#ffffff;">.</span></div><div><span style="font-family:verdana;color:#ffffff;">.</span></div><div><span style="font-family:verdana;color:#ffffff;">.</span></div><div><span style="font-family:verdana;color:#ffffff;">.</span></div><div><span style="font-family:verdana;color:#ffffff;">.</span></div><a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/_8Gdwny6qu2w/Sgs5i3YOuRI/AAAAAAAAAB4/3pLRU6z-0Ls/s1600-h/untitled3.jpg"><img id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5335421454694398226" style="DISPLAY: block; MARGIN: 0px auto 10px; WIDTH: 400px; CURSOR: hand; HEIGHT: 321px; TEXT-ALIGN: center" alt="" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/_8Gdwny6qu2w/Sgs5i3YOuRI/AAAAAAAAAB4/3pLRU6z-0Ls/s400/untitled3.jpg" border="0" /></a>Ooh I Say!http://www.blogger.com/profile/04997023683714176952noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4272169649078526352.post-88383593225063915832009-05-13T14:17:00.000-07:002009-05-13T14:18:48.567-07:00Ralph's SurgeryWhen Ralph first noticed that his penis was growing larger and staying erect longer, he was delighted, as was his wife.<br />But after several weeks, his penis had grown to nearly twenty inches.<br />Ralph became quite concerned.<br />He was having problems dressing, and even walking.<br />So he and his wife went to see a prominent urologist.<br />After an initial examination, the doctor explained to the couple that, though rare, Ralph's condition could be fixed through corrective surgery.<br />'How long will Ralph be on crutches?' the wife asked anxiously.<br />'Crutches? Why would he need crutches?' responded the surprised doctor.<br />'Well,' said the wife coldly, 'you're gonna lengthen his legs, aren't you?Ooh I Say!http://www.blogger.com/profile/04997023683714176952noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4272169649078526352.post-77532896011320027162009-05-13T14:15:00.000-07:002009-05-13T14:16:57.384-07:00Handywoman<span style="font-family:verdana;color:#ffffff;">.</span><br /><span style="font-family:verdana;">A blonde, wanting to earn some extra money decided to hire herself out as a 'Handywoman' and started canvassing the neighborhoods.</span><br /><span style="font-family:verdana;">She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any odd jobs for her to do.</span><br /><span style="font-family:verdana;">'Well, I guess I could use somebody to paint my porch,' he said. </span><br /><span style="font-family:verdana;">'How much will you charge me?' </span><br /><span style="font-family:verdana;">The blonde quickly responded, </span><br /><span style="font-family:verdana;">'How about $50?' </span><br /><span style="font-family:verdana;">The man agreed and told her that the paint and everything she would need was in the garage.</span><br /><span style="font-family:verdana;">The man's wife, hearing the conversation, said to her husband, 'Does she realize that our porch goes all the way around the house?' </span><br /><span style="font-family:verdana;">He responded, 'That's a bit cynical, isn't it?'</span><br /><span style="font-family:verdana;">The wife replied, 'You're right. I guess I'm starting to believe all those dumb blonde jokes ..' </span><br /><span style="font-family:verdana;">A short time later, the blonde handywoman came to the door to collect her money.</span><br /><span style="font-family:verdana;">'You finished already?' the husband asked. </span><br /><span style="font-family:verdana;">'Yes,' the blonde replied, 'and I had paint leftover, so I gave it two coats - no extra charge.' Impressed, the man reached into his pocket for the $50 and handed it to her. </span><br /><span style="font-family:verdana;color:#ffffff;">.</span><br /><span style="font-family:verdana;color:#ffffff;">.</span><br /><span style="font-family:verdana;color:#ffffff;">.</span><br /><span style="font-family:verdana;color:#ffffff;">.</span><br /><span style="font-family:verdana;color:#ffffff;">.</span><br /><span style="font-family:verdana;color:#ffffff;">.</span><br /><span style="font-family:verdana;color:#ffffff;">.</span><br /><span style="font-family:verdana;color:#ffffff;">.</span><br /><span style="font-family:verdana;">'And by the way,' the blonde added ......'it's not a Porch -- it's a Lexus' </span><br /><span style="font-family:verdana;color:#ffffff;">.</span>Ooh I Say!http://www.blogger.com/profile/04997023683714176952noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4272169649078526352.post-8208569820483554772009-05-13T14:12:00.000-07:002009-05-13T14:14:51.418-07:00Priceless<span style="font-family:verdana;color:#ffffff;">.</span><br /><span style="font-family:verdana;">You have just walked out of the church after your delightful wedding ceremony and on the church steps, both your families are applauding you with a hundred friends gathered around.</span><br /><span style="font-family:verdana;color:#ffffff;">.</span><br /><span style="font-family:verdana;">The photographer raises his camera and following your family's tradition, both of you are holding beautiful live white doves which you will release together.</span><br /><span style="font-family:verdana;color:#ffffff;">.</span><br /><span style="font-family:verdana;">Bride and groom stand happily shoulder to shoulder with a dove gently held in both hands as everyone eagerly awaits the climax of your marriage vows.</span><br /><span style="font-family:verdana;color:#ffffff;">.</span><br /><span style="font-family:verdana;">The photographer gives the ready signal and you open your hands toward the sky and release the doves as a symbol of your eternal love.</span><br /><span style="font-family:verdana;color:#ffffff;">.</span><br /><span style="font-family:verdana;color:#ffffff;">.</span><br /><span style="font-family:verdana;color:#ffffff;">.</span><br /><span style="font-family:verdana;color:#ffffff;">.</span><br /><span style="font-family:verdana;color:#ffffff;">.</span><br /><span style="font-family:verdana;color:#ffffff;">.</span><br /><span style="font-family:verdana;color:#ffffff;">.</span><br /><span style="font-family:verdana;color:#ffffff;">.</span><br /><span style="font-family:verdana;color:#ffffff;">.</span><br /><span style="font-family:verdana;color:#ffffff;">.</span><br /><span style="font-family:verdana;color:#ffffff;">.</span><br /><span style="font-family:verdana;color:#ffffff;">.</span><br /><span style="font-family:verdana;color:#ffffff;">.</span><br /><span style="font-family:verdana;color:#ffffff;">.</span><br /><span style="font-family:verdana;color:#ffffff;">.</span><br /><span style="font-family:verdana;color:#ffffff;">.</span><br /><span style="font-family:verdana;color:#ffffff;">.</span><br /><span style="font-family:verdana;color:#ffffff;">.</span><br /><span style="font-family:verdana;color:#ffffff;">.</span><br /><span style="font-family:verdana;color:#ffffff;">.</span><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEignE5ZAcOl-XSb9oVk5LeKuNQq4cX41aeiuA2a2fkQIeF6LEkujbnJQr2yl2HgCkC-9At93v5ndjylgB1Tq7fkhI3jcZy0vGSNXpzVhyphenhyphen7mkbcbVh_cRt-vLQ_cWlxuloXl1FHlwHKrDfw/s1600-h/untitled2.jpg"><span style="font-family:verdana;"><img id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5335419506224347394" style="DISPLAY: block; MARGIN: 0px auto 10px; WIDTH: 348px; CURSOR: hand; HEIGHT: 400px; TEXT-ALIGN: center" alt="" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEignE5ZAcOl-XSb9oVk5LeKuNQq4cX41aeiuA2a2fkQIeF6LEkujbnJQr2yl2HgCkC-9At93v5ndjylgB1Tq7fkhI3jcZy0vGSNXpzVhyphenhyphen7mkbcbVh_cRt-vLQ_cWlxuloXl1FHlwHKrDfw/s400/untitled2.jpg" border="0" /></span></a><span style="font-family:verdana;color:#ffffff;"> .<br /></span><div><span style="font-family:verdana;">Wedding Gown £2,500.</span></div><div><span style="font-family:verdana;">Photographer £2,000.</span></div><div><span style="font-family:verdana;">Vintage Rolls Royce £1,000.</span></div><div><span style="font-family:verdana;">Having 'the twins' pop out and say CHEESE in front of your family and friends.</span></div><div><span style="font-family:verdana;">PRICELESS!!!!! </span></div>Ooh I Say!http://www.blogger.com/profile/04997023683714176952noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4272169649078526352.post-74676101626514232172009-05-13T14:09:00.000-07:002009-05-13T14:11:48.044-07:00Homework<div align="center"><span style="font-family:verdana;color:#ffffff;">.</span></div><div align="center"><span style="font-family:verdana;color:#ffffff;">.</span></div><span style="font-family:verdana;">To find out why you should always check your child's homework read the explanation below the picture....</span><br /><span style="font-family:verdana;color:#ffffff;">.</span><br /><span style="font-family:verdana;color:#ffffff;">.</span><br /><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjBd4kafU4xNJnwbEBtDsMg-DmKpvhyf-OOYCE_1FiJvL8bxkw8sdnbsdWXKC3mFkmLyvjLNK2qnirwzW6QmLQR88qCGP479uMNwOrz-qzOoGdlKLDfwVnRjPqApsQVZtbdwwLNbgw-xbk/s1600-h/untitled1.jpg"><span style="font-family:verdana;"><img id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5335418774814273714" style="DISPLAY: block; MARGIN: 0px auto 10px; WIDTH: 400px; CURSOR: hand; HEIGHT: 291px; TEXT-ALIGN: center" alt="" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjBd4kafU4xNJnwbEBtDsMg-DmKpvhyf-OOYCE_1FiJvL8bxkw8sdnbsdWXKC3mFkmLyvjLNK2qnirwzW6QmLQR88qCGP479uMNwOrz-qzOoGdlKLDfwVnRjPqApsQVZtbdwwLNbgw-xbk/s400/untitled1.jpg" border="0" /></span></a><span style="font-family:verdana;color:#ffffff;"> .</span><br /><span style="font-family:verdana;color:#ffffff;">.</span><br /><span style="font-family:verdana;">(Here's the reply the teacher received the following day)</span><br /><span style="font-family:verdana;"><span style="color:#ffffff;">. </span><br />Dear Teacher,</span><br /><span style="font-family:verdana;">I wish to clarify that I am not now, nor have I ever been, an exotic dancer.</span><br /><span style="font-family:verdana;">I work at Home Depot and I told my daughter how hectic it was last week before the blizzard hit. </span><br /><span style="font-family:verdana;">I told her we sold out of every single shovel we had, and then I found one more in the back room, and that several people were fighting over who would get it.</span><br /><span style="font-family:verdana;">Her picture doesn't show me dancing around a pole.<br />It's supposed to depict me selling the last snow shovel we had at Home Depot.</span><br /><span style="font-family:verdana;">From now on I will remember to check her homework more thoroughly before she turns it in.</span><br /><span style="font-family:verdana;">Sincerely,</span><br /><span style="font-family:verdana;">Mrs. Parent</span><br /><span style="color:#ffffff;">.</span><br /><span style="color:#ffffff;">.</span>Ooh I Say!http://www.blogger.com/profile/04997023683714176952noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4272169649078526352.post-67954667535762776262009-05-13T14:06:00.000-07:002009-05-13T14:08:55.375-07:00What Do Retired People Do All Day?<span style="font-family:verdana;color:#ffffff;">.</span><br /><span style="font-family:verdana;">Well, for example, my partner and myself went into town and went into a shop.</span><br /><span style="font-family:verdana;">We were only in there for about 5 minutes. </span><br /><span style="font-family:verdana;">When we came out, there was a policeman writing out a parking ticket.</span><br /><span style="font-family:verdana;">We went up to him and said, 'Come on, how about giving a senior citizen a break?'</span><br /><span style="font-family:verdana;">He ignored us and continued writing the ticket.</span><br /><span style="font-family:verdana;">We called him a turd.</span><br /><span style="font-family:verdana;">He glared at me and began writing another ticket for having worn tyres.</span><br /><span style="font-family:verdana;">So we called him an arsehole.</span><br /><span style="font-family:verdana;">He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first.</span><br /><span style="font-family:verdana;">Then he started writing a third ticket.</span><br /><span style="font-family:verdana;">This went on for about 20 minutes.</span><br /><span style="font-family:verdana;">The more we abused him, the more tickets he wrote.</span><br /><span style="font-family:verdana;">Personally, we didn't care.</span><br /><span style="font-family:verdana;">We'd come into town by bus.</span><br /><span style="font-family:verdana;">We try to have a little fun each day now that we're retired.It's important at our age.</span>Ooh I Say!http://www.blogger.com/profile/04997023683714176952noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4272169649078526352.post-59237686812272218602009-05-13T14:04:00.001-07:002009-05-13T14:05:42.587-07:00How Was Your Cereal This Morning?<span style="color:#ffffff;">.</span><br /><span style="color:#ffffff;">.</span><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhxH3SJnE9uJKxwoHixGkPRUhdpKXcewvCZe2beUK-i5M9T7hdC3N9XohaCLVguzGlXOj9rldhDa0qWy3g-lrc7wzGs98xtChFhi4Cef4pjRE_Sgk-7dkpREHL0zh8TC73KrXXeru8rc78/s1600-h/untitled.JPG"><img id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5335417520359497938" style="DISPLAY: block; MARGIN: 0px auto 10px; WIDTH: 300px; CURSOR: hand; HEIGHT: 400px; TEXT-ALIGN: center" alt="" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhxH3SJnE9uJKxwoHixGkPRUhdpKXcewvCZe2beUK-i5M9T7hdC3N9XohaCLVguzGlXOj9rldhDa0qWy3g-lrc7wzGs98xtChFhi4Cef4pjRE_Sgk-7dkpREHL0zh8TC73KrXXeru8rc78/s400/untitled.JPG" border="0" /></a> <span style="color:#ffffff;">.<br />.</span>Ooh I Say!http://www.blogger.com/profile/04997023683714176952noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4272169649078526352.post-7040059494587245252009-05-11T12:41:00.000-07:002009-05-13T14:06:45.627-07:00What Every Office Needs<span style="color:#ffffff;">.</span><br /><span style="color:#ffffff;">.</span><br /><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg4iaMUgDtNG4ZkMWx9f1aYRSiTupW-qoqPEgYT42Ot7GoRjyZwGIMAnm5bzUfEDrNV_IaRYtcdbwI6YmKmGuPfnYRrdmk3pO-jeG8p_t1SHFd2pAAqQQaMFmhcuZ1079B1sHl62WjdTO4/s1600-h/office.jpg"><span style="color:#ffffff;"><img id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5334654083495743986" style="DISPLAY: block; MARGIN: 0px auto 10px; WIDTH: 400px; CURSOR: hand; HEIGHT: 389px; TEXT-ALIGN: center" alt="" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg4iaMUgDtNG4ZkMWx9f1aYRSiTupW-qoqPEgYT42Ot7GoRjyZwGIMAnm5bzUfEDrNV_IaRYtcdbwI6YmKmGuPfnYRrdmk3pO-jeG8p_t1SHFd2pAAqQQaMFmhcuZ1079B1sHl62WjdTO4/s400/office.jpg" border="0" /></span></a><br /><p><span style="color:#ffffff;">.</span></p>Ooh I Say!http://www.blogger.com/profile/04997023683714176952noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4272169649078526352.post-18701234576531701302009-05-11T12:38:00.000-07:002009-05-11T12:40:35.445-07:00Mood Ring<span style="font-family:verdana;color:#ffffff;">.</span><br /><span style="font-family:verdana;">My husband, being unhappy with my mood swings, bought me a mood ring the other day so he would be able to monitor my moods.</span><br /><span style="font-family:verdana;color:#ffffff;">.</span><br /><span style="font-family:verdana;">We've discovered that when I'm in a good mood, it turns green.</span><br /><span style="font-family:verdana;color:#ffffff;">.</span><br /><span style="font-family:verdana;">We've also discovered that when I'm in a bad mood, it leaves a big red mark on his forehead.</span><br /><span style="font-family:verdana;color:#ffffff;">.</span><br /><span style="font-family:verdana;color:#ffffff;">.</span><br /><span style="font-family:verdana;color:#ffffff;">.</span><br /><span style="font-family:verdana;">Maybe next time he'll buy me a diamond............ </span><br /><span style="font-family:verdana;color:#ffffff;">.</span><br /><span style="font-family:verdana;color:#ffffff;">.</span><br /><span style="font-family:verdana;color:#ffffff;">.</span><br /><span style="font-family:verdana;color:#ffffff;">.</span>Ooh I Say!http://www.blogger.com/profile/04997023683714176952noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4272169649078526352.post-54463914125556222222009-05-11T12:35:00.000-07:002009-05-11T12:38:00.078-07:00Peanuts!<span style="color:#ffffff;">.</span><br /><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhUJ7TIcUk04LWPJ5VkMe2-eK2bI7yChjBlcw9BTRwuMEgsy4ndMKRI94ks7mVgfFTzdYjHT-lmQ-fhkP071-dL6xttBqz8nKhbBNkgtxvjvrAEZx1vfa2R8yarZgj-J3Q4WboVHtRpwew/s1600-h/pensioners.jpg"><img id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5334652643774397122" style="DISPLAY: block; MARGIN: 0px auto 10px; WIDTH: 400px; CURSOR: hand; HEIGHT: 168px; TEXT-ALIGN: center" alt="" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhUJ7TIcUk04LWPJ5VkMe2-eK2bI7yChjBlcw9BTRwuMEgsy4ndMKRI94ks7mVgfFTzdYjHT-lmQ-fhkP071-dL6xttBqz8nKhbBNkgtxvjvrAEZx1vfa2R8yarZgj-J3Q4WboVHtRpwew/s400/pensioners.jpg" border="0" /></a> <span style="font-family:verdana;color:#ffffff;">.</span> <div><span style="font-family:verdana;">A tour bus driver is driving with a bus load of seniors down a highway when he is tapped on his shoulder by a little old lady. </span></div><div><span style="font-family:verdana;"><span style="color:#ffffff;">. </span><br />She offers him a handful of peanuts, which he gratefully munches up. </span></div><div><span style="font-family:verdana;"><span style="color:#ffffff;">.</span><br />After about 15 minutes, she taps him on his shoulder again and she hands him another handful of peanuts. </span></div><div><span style="font-family:verdana;"><span style="color:#ffffff;">.</span><br />She repeats this gesture about five more times.</span></div><div><span style="font-family:verdana;color:#ffffff;">.</span></div><div><span style="font-family:verdana;">When she is about to hand him another batch again he asks the little old lady, 'Why don't you eat the peanuts yourself?'. </span></div><div><span style="font-family:verdana;"><span style="color:#ffffff;">. </span><br />'We can't chew them because we've no teeth', she replied. </span></div><div><span style="font-family:verdana;"><span style="color:#ffffff;">.<br /></span>The puzzled driver asks, 'Why do you buy them then?' </span></div><div><span style="font-family:verdana;"><span style="color:#ffffff;">.<br /></span>The old lady replied, 'We just love the chocolate around them.</span></div><div><span style="font-family:verdana;color:#ffffff;">.</span></div>Ooh I Say!http://www.blogger.com/profile/04997023683714176952noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4272169649078526352.post-63348110475627032762009-05-11T12:32:00.000-07:002009-05-13T14:06:15.356-07:00A Good Reason To Wear Pyjamas In Bed<span style="color:#ffffff;">.</span><br /><span style="color:#ffffff;">.</span><br /><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi57HhG_vm3bUYrHpHVQtBXT-1SehUU752p6lKSziDHJdeEAHuZvFFyO6EuaXJAO05lMLDfEglUAtxd6BLHYSBJVYxnvl0HUpTMf9hqWwR2QG3fbBvXnSfCWzH00oiG-hXk4MpEeiDHiXw/s1600-h/fire.jpg"><span style="color:#ffffff;"><img id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5334651754659565490" style="DISPLAY: block; MARGIN: 0px auto 10px; WIDTH: 400px; CURSOR: hand; HEIGHT: 392px; TEXT-ALIGN: center" alt="" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi57HhG_vm3bUYrHpHVQtBXT-1SehUU752p6lKSziDHJdeEAHuZvFFyO6EuaXJAO05lMLDfEglUAtxd6BLHYSBJVYxnvl0HUpTMf9hqWwR2QG3fbBvXnSfCWzH00oiG-hXk4MpEeiDHiXw/s400/fire.jpg" border="0" /></span></a><span style="color:#ffffff;"> .</span>Ooh I Say!http://www.blogger.com/profile/04997023683714176952noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4272169649078526352.post-54895834549576695532009-05-11T12:28:00.001-07:002009-05-11T12:32:09.534-07:00Weigh In<span style="font-family:verdana;color:#ffffff;">.</span><br /><span style="font-family:verdana;">Oh man! </span><br /><span style="font-family:verdana;color:#ffffff;">.</span><br /><span style="font-family:verdana;">I can’t believe I am just now hearing I have been doing it wrong for so many decades.</span><br /><span style="font-family:verdana;color:#ffffff;">.</span><br /><span style="font-family:verdana;">TO ALL MY DEAREST FRIENDS I'M SO GLAD I FOUND OUT ABOUT THIS!<br /><span style="color:#ffffff;">.</span></span><br /><span style="font-family:verdana;">The correct way to weigh yourself! </span><br /><span style="font-family:verdana;"><span style="color:#ffffff;">.<br /></span>I can't believe I was doing it wrong all these years.<br /><span style="color:#ffffff;">.</span></span><br /><span style="font-family:verdana;">WE MUST SPREAD THE WORD.</span><br /><span style="color:#ffffff;">.</span><br /><span style="color:#ffffff;">.</span><br /><span style="color:#ffffff;">.</span><br /><span style="color:#ffffff;">.</span><br /><span style="color:#ffffff;">.</span><br /><span style="color:#ffffff;">.</span><br /><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh1y11_AalosgwM9nSsG3zDHdp3zm5aKXDC92yeqSy5nO5uZSWZ8JqGHPPCpr1sCHFboD8X78aAdvGKIl5T_I_0X52jGJbJ7Udb-ADxFNs36eIQt6c10PNhPM0xaCaC9qBD7ij_-bE2AMQ/s1600-h/weight.jpg"><img id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5334650741810214386" style="DISPLAY: block; MARGIN: 0px auto 10px; WIDTH: 342px; CURSOR: hand; HEIGHT: 288px; TEXT-ALIGN: center" alt="" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh1y11_AalosgwM9nSsG3zDHdp3zm5aKXDC92yeqSy5nO5uZSWZ8JqGHPPCpr1sCHFboD8X78aAdvGKIl5T_I_0X52jGJbJ7Udb-ADxFNs36eIQt6c10PNhPM0xaCaC9qBD7ij_-bE2AMQ/s400/weight.jpg" border="0" /></a>Ooh I Say!http://www.blogger.com/profile/04997023683714176952noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4272169649078526352.post-91147286381649012892009-05-11T12:24:00.000-07:002009-05-13T14:06:33.039-07:00Be Aware When Booking Your Next Flight.<span style="font-family:verdana;color:#ffffff;">.</span><br /><span style="font-family:verdana;">This is scary for anyone who travels frequently by plane!!!!</span><br /><span style="color:#ffffff;">.</span><br /><span style="font-family:verdana;">Actual crack in a US Airways DC-9 window frame!</span><br /><span style="color:#ffffff;">.</span><br /><span style="font-family:verdana;">Fliers beware of the sub-standard maintenance on the airplanes that you fly on.</span><br /><span style="color:#ffffff;">.</span><br /><span style="font-family:verdana;">This is an actual crack that was found in the window frame on a DC-9.</span><br /><span style="color:#ffffff;">.</span><br /><span style="font-family:verdana;">I'll definitely think twice before flying.</span><br /><span style="color:#ffffff;">.<br />.<br /><span style="font-family:verdana;"></span>.<br />.</span><br /><span style="color:#ffffff;">.</span><br /><span style="color:#ffffff;">.</span><br /><span style="color:#ffffff;">.<br />.<br />.</span><br /><span style="color:#ffffff;">.</span><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgADy1_Xp7bRtiiAhSYXoe_EpVBTy4KXm8Y8i9ryCstF02NZYNNOIV8xJ1GMZiFv1YZW6TmVZpFt_PB9nm70JTZHuseFSkWFQg7BnKZOa5iNNFxkPuW9VE1wJCFnxWHk1rQOcReav7C5bE/s1600-h/untitled.JPG"><img id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5334649740557318066" style="DISPLAY: block; MARGIN: 0px auto 10px; WIDTH: 400px; CURSOR: hand; HEIGHT: 300px; TEXT-ALIGN: center" alt="" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgADy1_Xp7bRtiiAhSYXoe_EpVBTy4KXm8Y8i9ryCstF02NZYNNOIV8xJ1GMZiFv1YZW6TmVZpFt_PB9nm70JTZHuseFSkWFQg7BnKZOa5iNNFxkPuW9VE1wJCFnxWHk1rQOcReav7C5bE/s400/untitled.JPG" border="0" /></a>Ooh I Say!http://www.blogger.com/profile/04997023683714176952noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4272169649078526352.post-1186452648969955902009-05-11T12:15:00.000-07:002009-05-11T12:41:41.444-07:00Exam Results<span style="font-family:verdana;">These are genuine exam answers (from 16 year olds)</span><br /><span style="font-family:verdana;"></span><br /><span style="font-family:verdana;">Q. Name the four seasons</span><br /><span style="font-family:verdana;">A. Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar</span><br /><span style="font-family:verdana;"></span><br /><span style="font-family:verdana;">Q. Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink</span><br /><span style="font-family:verdana;">A. Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists</span><br /><span style="font-family:verdana;"></span><br /><span style="font-family:verdana;">Q. How is dew formed</span><br /><span style="font-family:verdana;">A. The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire</span><br /><span style="font-family:verdana;"></span><br /><span style="font-family:verdana;">Q. What causes the tides in the oceans</span><br /><span style="font-family:verdana;">A. The tides are a fight between the earth and the moon. All water tends to flow towards the moon, because there is no water on the moon, and nature abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins the fight</span><br /><span style="font-family:verdana;"></span><br /><span style="font-family:verdana;">Q. What guarantees may a mortgage company insist on</span><br /><span style="font-family:verdana;">A. If you are buying a house they will insist that you are well endowed</span><br /><span style="font-family:verdana;"></span><br /><span style="font-family:verdana;">Q. In a democratic society, how important are elections</span><br /><span style="font-family:verdana;">A. Very important. Sex can only happen when a male gets an election</span><br /><span style="font-family:verdana;"></span><br /><span style="font-family:verdana;">Q. What are steroids</span><br /><span style="font-family:verdana;">A. Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs</span><br /><span style="font-family:verdana;"></span><br /><span style="font-family:verdana;">Q. What happens to your body as you age</span><br /><span style="font-family:verdana;">A. When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental</span><br /><span style="font-family:verdana;"></span><br /><span style="font-family:verdana;">Q. What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty</span><br /><span style="font-family:verdana;">A. He says goodbye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery</span><br /><span style="font-family:verdana;"></span><br /><span style="font-family:verdana;">Q. Name a major disease associated with cigarettes</span><br /><span style="font-family:verdana;">A. Premature death</span><br /><span style="font-family:verdana;"></span><br /><span style="font-family:verdana;">Q. What is artificial insemination</span><br /><span style="font-family:verdana;">A. When the farmer does it to the bull instead of the cow</span><br /><span style="font-family:verdana;"></span><br /><span style="font-family:verdana;">Q. How can you delay milk turning sour</span><br /><span style="font-family:verdana;">A. Keep it in the cow</span><br /><span style="font-family:verdana;"></span><br /><span style="font-family:verdana;">Q. How are the main parts of the body categorized (eg the abdomen)</span><br /><span style="font-family:verdana;">A. The body is consisted into 3 parts - the brainium, the borax and the abdominal cavity. The brainium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels: A,E,I,O and U</span><br /><span style="font-family:verdana;"></span><br /><span style="font-family:verdana;">Q. What is the fibula</span><br /><span style="font-family:verdana;">A. A small lie</span><br /><span style="font-family:verdana;"></span><br /><span style="font-family:verdana;">Q. What does 'varicose' mean</span><br /><span style="font-family:verdana;">A. Nearby</span><br /><span style="font-family:verdana;"></span><br /><span style="font-family:verdana;">Q. What is the most common form of birth control</span><br /><span style="font-family:verdana;">A. Most people prevent contraception by wearing a condominium</span><br /><span style="font-family:verdana;"></span><br /><span style="font-family:verdana;">Q. Give the meaning of the term 'Caesarean section'</span><br /><span style="font-family:verdana;">A. The caesarean section is a district in Rome</span><br /><span style="font-family:verdana;"></span><br /><span style="font-family:verdana;">Q. What is a seizure</span><br /><span style="font-family:verdana;">A. A Roman Emperor</span><br /><span style="font-family:verdana;"></span><br /><span style="font-family:verdana;">Q. What is a terminal illness</span><br /><span style="font-family:verdana;">A. When you are sick at the airport</span><br /><span style="font-family:verdana;"></span><br /><span style="font-family:verdana;">Q. Give an example of a fungus. What is a characteristic feature</span><br /><span style="font-family:verdana;">A. Mushrooms. They always grow in damp places and they look like umbrellas</span><br /><span style="font-family:verdana;"></span><br /><span style="font-family:verdana;">Q. Use the word 'judicious' in a sentence to show you understand its meaning</span><br /><span style="font-family:verdana;">A. Hands that judicious can be soft as your face</span><br /><span style="font-family:verdana;"></span><br /><span style="font-family:verdana;">Q. What does the word 'benign' mean</span><br /><span style="font-family:verdana;">A. Benign is what you will be after you be eight</span><br /><span style="font-family:verdana;"></span><br /><span style="font-family:verdana;">Q. What is a turbine</span><br /><span style="font-family:verdana;">A. Something an Arab or Shreik wears on his head </span>Ooh I Say!http://www.blogger.com/profile/04997023683714176952noreply@blogger.com