Quote Of The Day

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."Whatever you give a woman, she will make greater.

If you give her sperm, she'll give you a baby.
If you give her a house, she'll give you a home.

If you give her groceries, she'll give you a meal.
If you give her a smile, she'll give you her heart.

She multiplies and enlarges what is given to her.

So, if you give her any crap, be ready to receive a ton of shit."

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The Baa Studs

Lots of fun with sheep ...

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Tomato Garden

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An old Italian lived alone in New Jersey.

He wanted to plant his annual tomato garden, but it was very difficult work, as the ground was hard.His only son, Vincent, who used to help him, was in prison.

The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament:

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Dear Vincent,

I am feeling pretty sad, because it looks like I won't be able to plant my tomato garden this year. I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot.

I know if you were here my troubles would be over..?

I know you would be happy to dig the plot for me, like in the old days.

Love, Papa

A few days later he received a letter from his son:


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Dear Pop,


Don't dig up that garden.


That's where the bodies are buried.


Love, Vinnie


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At 4 a.m. the next morning, FBI agents and local police arrived and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies.


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They apologised to the old man and left.


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That same day the old man received another letter from his son.


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Dear Pop,


Go ahead and plant the tomatoes now.


That's the best I could do under the circumstances.
Love you, Vinnie


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How To Fail A Breath Test

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Never Argue With A Woman

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One morning, the husband returns the boat to their lakesidecottage after several hours of fishing and decides to take a nap.
Although not familiar with the lake, the wife decides to take the boat out.
She motors out a short distance, anchors, puts her feet up, and begins to read her book.
The peace and solitude are magnificent.
Along comes a Fish and Game Warden in his boat.
He pulls up alongside the woman and says, 'Good morning, Ma'am. What are you doing?'
'Reading a book,' she replies, (thinking, 'Isn't that obvious?')
'You're in a Restricted Fishing Area,' he informs her.
'I'm sorry, officer, but I'm not fishing. I'm reading.'
'Yes, but I see you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment. I'll have to take you in and write you up.'
'If you do that, I'll have to charge you with sexual assault,' says the woman.
'But I haven't even touched you,' says the Game Warden.
'That's true, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment.'
'Have a nice day ma'am,' and he left.
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MORAL: Never argue with a woman who reads. It's likely she can also think.
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Lipstick In School

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According to a news report, a certain private school in Washington was recently faced with a unique problem.
A number of 12-year-old girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom.
That was fine, but after they put on their lip stick, they would press their lips to the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints.
Every night the maintenance man would remove them, and the next day the girls would put them back.
Finally the principal decided that something had to be done.
She called all the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the maintenance man.
She explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the custodian who had to clean the mirrors every night (you can just imagine the yawns from the little princesses).
To demonstrate how difficult it had been to clean the mirrors, she asked the maintenance man to show the girls how much effort was required.
He took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it in the toilet, and cleaned the mirror with it.
Since then, there have been no lip prints on the mirror.
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There are teachers ... and then there are educators
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Mobile Phone Danger

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A new study has revealed that flip phones can cause very serious side effects to the reproductive development of young children.

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Keep all flip phones out of the reach of children.

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Please pass this safety warning on to everyone on your email list.

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If it prevents even one injury to an innocent child, it will have been worth it.

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Do it for the sake of the children.

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If you doubt the importance of this warning, please scroll down...

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Ralph's Surgery

When Ralph first noticed that his penis was growing larger and staying erect longer, he was delighted, as was his wife.
But after several weeks, his penis had grown to nearly twenty inches.
Ralph became quite concerned.
He was having problems dressing, and even walking.
So he and his wife went to see a prominent urologist.
After an initial examination, the doctor explained to the couple that, though rare, Ralph's condition could be fixed through corrective surgery.
'How long will Ralph be on crutches?' the wife asked anxiously.
'Crutches? Why would he need crutches?' responded the surprised doctor.
'Well,' said the wife coldly, 'you're gonna lengthen his legs, aren't you?

Handywoman

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A blonde, wanting to earn some extra money decided to hire herself out as a 'Handywoman' and started canvassing the neighborhoods.
She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any odd jobs for her to do.
'Well, I guess I could use somebody to paint my porch,' he said.
'How much will you charge me?'
The blonde quickly responded,
'How about $50?'
The man agreed and told her that the paint and everything she would need was in the garage.
The man's wife, hearing the conversation, said to her husband, 'Does she realize that our porch goes all the way around the house?'
He responded, 'That's a bit cynical, isn't it?'
The wife replied, 'You're right. I guess I'm starting to believe all those dumb blonde jokes ..'
A short time later, the blonde handywoman came to the door to collect her money.
'You finished already?' the husband asked.
'Yes,' the blonde replied, 'and I had paint leftover, so I gave it two coats - no extra charge.' Impressed, the man reached into his pocket for the $50 and handed it to her.
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'And by the way,' the blonde added ......'it's not a Porch -- it's a Lexus'
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Priceless

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You have just walked out of the church after your delightful wedding ceremony and on the church steps, both your families are applauding you with a hundred friends gathered around.
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The photographer raises his camera and following your family's tradition, both of you are holding beautiful live white doves which you will release together.
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Bride and groom stand happily shoulder to shoulder with a dove gently held in both hands as everyone eagerly awaits the climax of your marriage vows.
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The photographer gives the ready signal and you open your hands toward the sky and release the doves as a symbol of your eternal love.
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Wedding Gown £2,500.

Photographer £2,000.

Vintage Rolls Royce £1,000.

Having 'the twins' pop out and say CHEESE in front of your family and friends.

PRICELESS!!!!!